Yours Irreverently September 2016

Top gags from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival

The Fringe, a key part of the famous Edinburgh Festival, is renowned for being the best place to spot new and emerging comedy talent – and a judging panel sits through some 60 different comedy performances before selecting their favourite gags. These are then put anonymously to 2 000 people, who then vote for the jokes they found the funniest.

Our top five in the top 15 this year:

  • ‘My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart.’ – Masai Graham
  • ‘Why is it old people say “there’s no place like home”, yet when you put them in one…’ – Stuart Mitchell
  • ‘I’ve been happily married for four years – out of a total of 10.’ – Mark Watson
  • ‘Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated.’ – Tiff Stevenson
  • ‘Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first.’ – Michelle Wolf

Our top five in the top 15 last year:

  • ‘I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.’ – Darren Walsh
  • ‘Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.’ – Stewart Francis
  • ‘What’s the difference between a “hippo” and a “Zippo”? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.’ – Masai Graham
  • ‘Jesus fed 5 000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.’ – Mark Nelson
  • ‘Red sky at night. Shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night. Day’ – Tom Parry

Brilliant pub chalkboards

How some drinking establishments go the extra mile in their attempts to entice customers in off the street with their sparkling, chalk-scrawled witticisms.

  • ‘Something witty and thought-provoking.’ (That’s what the boss told me to write on the chalkboard).
  • Tea. Coffee. Cocaine. We have two of three… Come in and find out!
  • Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad…
  • Our coffee is an experience that chalk is unable to convey…
  • Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat…
  • Come in and meet your future ex-wife…
  • Today’s Special: Buy ONE BEER for the price of TWO, and receive a second BEER ABSOLUTELY FREE!!
  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY! (One in 365 people will think this sign is spooky!)
  • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst…
  • ‘Coffee keeps me busy until its acceptable to drink wine!’ Come in for BOTH!
  • Soup of the Day: Whiskey
  • FREE (wifi) (great) BEER

Tweet of the month

At a funeral and the company that closes graves is standing-by, #deathby the motto on their overalls: ‘We Are The Last People To Let You Down’

Quip of the month

‘The difference between a chef and a cook is the difference between a wife and a prostitute. Cooks do meals for people they know and love. Chefs do it anonymously for anyone who’s got the price.’ AA Gill, The Times columnist

Courtesy: PACKAGiNG & Print Media Magazine, September 2016 issue