25 Sep 2024 Yours Irreverently – March 2023
This humour column is compiled by your FOODStuff SA editor, Brenda Neall, for PPM Magazine – some light-hearted stuff that we hope you will enjoy!
More female laughs in 280 characters
The women of Twitter (X) continue to dole out wonderful humour….
mariana Z @mariana057: The fitness trainer asked me, ‘What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?’ I said, ‘Diddly.’
Laura Burkhardt @LauraAnnSTL: People ask me, ‘Why are you single? You’re attractive, intelligent and creative? My reply is, ‘I’m overqualified.’
Sophie Vershbow @svershbow: Me to 99.99% of men: please speak to me like an intelligent adult.
Me to my financial advisor: please speak to me like I’m the dumbest person to ever live on this planet.
stoned cold fox @roastmalone: You want me to find a husband? The person who is statistically most likely to murder me?
Karin @specialk0713: The best thing about being a single woman is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that bed of yours. Left. Right. Middle.
Witty paraproskodians
Paraprosdokians are clever, surprising sayings, where the ending presents an unexpected twist. This long word comes from two Greek words meaning ‘beyond expectation’. Here are some cool twists…..
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- If I had a dollar for every woman that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
- Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- A woman’s place is in charge.
- We can repair what your husband fixed.
- Of course men can multitask! We read in the bathroom.
- I don’t do drugs anymore. I get the same effect just standing up these days.
- Well, I’m having a great day. Woke up this morning, got out of bed, had a pee. In that order!
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- All this health and safety talk is just killing me.
Jeremy Clarkson quips
Who doesn’t love Jeremy Clarkson, British broadcaster, journalist and writer who specialises in motoring. He’s been on DSTV recently as latest quiz master on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ – and does a fine job of it. Love these quotes from him….
- ‘We all know that small cars are good for us. But so is cod liver oil. And jogging.’
- ‘I’d like to consider Ferrari as a scaled down version of God.’
- ‘There are shantytowns in South Africa that are built better than Renaults!’
- ‘I’m sorry, but having an Aston Martin DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch.’
- ‘This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that’s much to shout about. That’s like saying “Ooh, good I’ve got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.”’
- ‘Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that’s what gets you.’