20 Dec 16 Yours Irreverently June 2016
A fabulous put-down
Not all politicians are humourless egotists, notably Sajid Javid, British Tory politician and currently a government minister, who frequently takes the mickey out of himself, such as this anecdote he told in a speech to students:
- ‘I remember when I became an MP four years ago; I was driving home from the count. And I turned to my wife and said, “Laura, did you ever imagine, in your wildest dreams, that one day I would actually be a Member of Parliament?” And she looked me in the eye and said, “Darling, in my wildest dreams, you don’t feature at all”.’
Biology exam question
Q: List four advantages of breast milk
A: No need to boil X
Cannot be stolen X
Available when needed X
Stored in attractive containers X
Teacher’s comment: See me!
Sad stories using only four words…
Netflix is not working * Mom got a tattoo. * Please clap, he pleaded. * Mom, please wake up. * You said you’d wait. * We’re sorry, it’s inoperable. * Goodbye Mum, I’m sorry. * I really tried, Mum, * I never loved you. * I loved you once. * Once I loved you. * Living is hard. Goodbye. * We need to talk. * I was born unwanted. * Please don’t leave me. * It might have been. * The internet is down.
A winning SMS from the 19th hole: ‘Sorry I’m late babe, there’s a competition to find who has the most fabulous wife and I’ve made it to the final. See you later LOVE YOU xxxx’
‘I saw a guy at Starbucks today. No iPhone, no tablet, no laptop. He just sat there. Drinking coffee. Like a psychopath.’
Five Bob Monkhouse quips:
- VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
- Money is the root of all wealth.
- Don’t judge a book by its movie.
‘In seven months or so, I’ll be on the job market. And I’m glad I’m going to be here. I’m going to get on LinkedIn and see what comes up.’ President Barack Obama explains how he’ll hunt for a new job when he steps down from office.