25 Sep 2024 Yours Irreverently – August 2024

This humour column is compiled by your FOODStuff SA editor, Brenda Neall, for PPM Magazine – some light-hearted stuff that we hope you will enjoy!

Top gags from the Fringe

Edinburgh’s annual Fringe is the biggest arts festival in the world and takes place every August – for 2024 it comprised 3 317 productions across 262 venues and 51 446 performances! Here are some of this year’s top-rated one-liners from stand-up comedians:

• I was going to sail around the globe in the world’s smallest ship but I bottled it. – Mark Simmons (voted the funniest, in fact…hmm?)
• My desire to spontaneously sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is always just a whim away. – Olaf Falafel
• I failed Religious Education. Couldn’t believe it when I found out. I was like: ‘Oh Jason Christ!’ – Jack Skipper
• How do you know that Edinburgh is the most haunted city in the UK? You measure it with a spirit level. – Eleanor Morton
• I recently read 10% of sheep are gay – turns out there’s nowt so queer as flock. – Amy Mason
• The Romans invented Vaseline. Or was it Ancient Grease? – Chris Turner
• I’ve been taking salsa lessons for months, but I just don’t feel like I’m progressing. It’s just one step forward… two steps back. – Alec Snook
• Ate horse at a restaurant once – wasn’t great. Starter was alright but the mane was dreadful. – Alex Kitson
• I sailed through my driving test. That’s why I failed it. – Arthur Smith
• I love the Olympics. My friend and I invented a new type of relay baton: well, he came up with the idea, I ran with it. – Mark Simmons
• My partner told me that she’d never seen the film Gaslight. I told her that she definitely had. – Zoë Coombs Marr
• The conspiracy theory about the moon being made of cheese was started by the hallouminati. – Olaf Falafel

Great signs #1

Outside a veterinary clinic: Dogs prepare you for babies. Cats prepare you for teenagers.

Outside a photographic studio: We can shoot your wife & frame your mother-on-law. If you want, we can hang them, too!

Outside a pub: Treat your mom to a margarita – you’re probably the reason she drinks.

Inside a music teacher’s classroom:
1. I apologise for being a mean, demanding, and slightly obsessive music teacher.
2. I will try to be nicer in future.
3. 1&2 are lies.
4. Go practice.

Great signs #2

There’s a famous Tex-Mex restaurant in Austin, Texas, The El Arroyo, who beloved marquee sign tells a new joke to passing motorists each day, for more than 25 years now! Some samples:

• I’m so tired of babysitting my mom’s grandkids.
• Studies show the most expensive vehicle to operate is a shopping cart.
• I don’t understand why ppl have to get ready for bed – I’m always ready for bed.
• My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
• Procrastinators unite! Tomorrow!
• Top 3 Hard Things to Say: 1. I was wrong. 2. I need help. 3. Worcestershire Sauce.
• Congrats to all the recent medical grads from Google U.
• Kid’s ears are for decorative purposes only.
• Website: We use cookies to improve our performance. Me: Same
• Today’s offer: Buy any two tacos and pay for them both!

Ageing WitBits

After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. – Bette Midler

Time may be a great healer, but it is a lousy beautician. – Anonymous

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you’ll grow out of it. – Doris Day

Courtesy: PACKAGiNG & Print Media Magazine, August 2024 issue